


Answering Machine

by octoexpansion



Category: Splatoon
Genre: Agent 8 is an Original Character, Animate Object, Deep-Sea Metro, F/M, Gen, Inanimate Object Porn, Masturbation, Octo Expansion DLC, Octo Expansion DLC Spoilers, Robot/Human Relationships, The Telephone Can Make Facial Expressions, The Telephone Can Physically Feel Touch?, The Telephone Can... Get Jacked Off?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:07:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21628102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octoexpansion/pseuds/octoexpansion
Summary: Agent 8 finds herself in an unfamiliar train station, and immediately gets attached to the first being that's been vaguely kind to her in 22 years.
Relationships: Agent 8 & Cap'n Cuttlefish, Agent 8/Commander Tartar (Splatoon), Commander Tartar (Splatoon)/Original Character(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	1. PROFILE (CLASSIFIED)

Papaver Miyuwasa, strain 6JT

Contemporary title - Poppy

Gen. 86 - Octotrooper technology engineer and midline patrol (whereabouts unknown)

skin=medbrown/eyes=red/tentacles=midcurl

_**CLASSIFIED** _

・Age 6: Enrolled in elementary training program at Slimeskin Garrison.

・Age 9: Reported by coaches to 'show potential for a bright future.' Performance average.

・Age 10: Performance began to wane. Extra help has been provided to steer back into line.

・Age 13: Rebelliousness and refusal to carry out tasks has been reported. Goggle frequencies upped. Put under higher supervision. Curfew shortened.

・Age 16: Returned to average performance. Assigned to patrol in sector 6B of Slimeskin Garrison.

・Age 21: Position moved to technology engineer and rank C ink supplier of area Octotroopers in Cephalon HQ.

・Age 22: Gone MIA after reportedly hearing a performance of the Calamari Inkantation by the New Squidbeak Splatoon, shortly before the Great Zapfish was lost. Witnesses report Miyuwasa battling an inkling agent, before she and the agent disappeared in a flash of bright light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowza.. baby's first full-length fic. about their own dumb oc getting frisky with a phone, no less! this is gonna be super self-indulgent but perhaps someone out there will enjoy it. also yeah there'll be some fucky wucky later on but Not Yet! i'll put a pre-chapter warning whenever it comes up


	2. Beginning of the End

Poppy brushed a pastel-pink tentacle out of her field of vision. She still had next to no clue where she was, besides thoroughly lost. Her heeled platform boots clicked against the cold concrete of the facility. Whoever put her here could have at least been generous enough to give her decent shoes... Breaking her train of thought, she saw a light at the end of the tunnel- figuratively and literally. She seemed to have come to a central hub of sorts. Trains whooshed by on the tracks on either side of the main platform. She noticed various puddles on the cracked concrete, which was odd, considering the place was entirely closed off. The are was relatively dimly lit, save for one bright light shining a beam onto what looked to be a human-era telephone. This place really was dated... She could hear the telephone ringing, echoing through the large station. She approached the object, walking carefully around it and looking it up and down. Was it... For her? _I may as well find out,_ she decided, picking up the receiver and holding it to her ear. A soft, humming, sing-song voice played through it.

"Searching for user ID... User number 10,008 confirmed. Greetings, number 10,008. Your current location is the Deep-Sea Metro Central Station. My primary function is to facilitate your journey to the Promised Land. I am pleased to make your acquaintance. Assessing communication efficiency... 35.7%. Enabling Contemporary Speech Mode..."

"WHAT'S CRACKALACKIN, HOMESKILLET? LET US BOUNCE TO THE PROMISED LAND FO' SHO'!"

The buzzing, robotic-toned voice blared through both the receiver and front speaker, and Poppy dropped the receiver as she jolted back from the voice. The phone seemed to be... Emoting, in a way, it's front speaker moving as if it were a mouth and wiggling back and forth like some sort of rubber-hose caricature. As the receiver dropped from her hand, the phone seemed to wince as the heavy brass cone tugged on the cord it was attached to. "Ayy, watch the extremities broski!" It's crank spun a few times, and it resumed wiggling comically. "Anyway, I'm bout-it-bout-it, so allow me to [SLANG_NOT_FOUND] you the straight FACTS!"

Poppy stared on in confused awe. What in the name of cod was going on here? Did she breathe in too many wasabi fumes? Was this... _Thing_ genuinely the one creature to be addressing her as if she were an equal for the first time in her life? The center of her three hearts fluttered a bit. Wow... Something wasn't talking down to her!

"You have spent your life in the darkness. Your eyes closed to the sexy new hotness that awaits."

She looked the hunk of burning telephone up and down again and chuckled. _Sexy new hotness. Clearly._

"The promised land. A utopia of light beyond your wildest dreams. It's all that and a bag of cool beans, homeslice. Now, I'll [SLANG_NOT_FOUND] you to the promised land..."

Poppy cocked her head. Huh, that was easy. _Wowza, this friendly telephone will take me to Inkopolis! I must be stoned!_ Slang not found... Is he censoring himself or something? _  
_

"NOT! Toppiest of keks. Psyche out. Only cats who have truly proven themselves can [ERROR] the Promised Land. D'ya dig, dog?"

Should've known it wouldn't be that easy.... What's with this guy's speech patterns? Nobody's talked like that since... A long time ago.

"There's been 10,007 applicants so far, so that makes you number 10,008. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo."

You'd better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you'd better never let it go... Is he quoting archaic rap on purpose?

"Good luck, and may the [SLANG_NOT_FOUND] be ever in your favor. This is the Deep-Sea Metro central station, the realio dealio central hub of this facility. Here's ya CQ-80 and CQ card. They are so bad."

A small, credit-card sized ID card printed out of a slot on the telephone. It then proceeded to make a questionable noise as a large, dated-looking mobile phone of sorts dropped out of the bottom of it's chassis with a splatter of teal ink. Sweet Jesus.

"You'd better guard them with your lizzife, 'cause if you lose em, you'll be fucked."

Huh. Guess he's not censoring himself.

"Now, take a ride on the crazy train. Outie 5000."

That was certainly something. Poppy hung up the telephone's reciever.

"Uhh... Bye?"

She swung around, taking another double take at the machine, then made her way to the previously mentioned crazy train. The old man's not gonna believe this.


	3. Ride the Rails

Poppy stepped onto the train, and sat down across from Cap’n Cuttlefish.

“So? What’d you find out”

She twirled a tentacle between her fingers, staring out the window into the star-speckled void the train raced through on seemingly endless tracks.

“Apparently this is some sort of test facility. I have to… Complete tasks or something, and then we can get to Inkopolis. That telephone at central station got me set up with an identification card, and this little thing it called a CQ-80. It says if I lose them I get fucked. Apparently I’m applicant number 10,008.”

Cuttlefish tapped his cane at her.

“ Hey! Watch your language, squiddo!”

Poppy’s brows furrowed.

“I’m 23. Anyway, the phone could talk and feel and stuff. It was so weird. I think it’s an AI of some sort? Which is still weird, because it acted so naturally.”

Leaning forward intently, Cuttlefish ran a hand over his beard.

“ That is interesting. I could tell there was something real weird about this place… 10,008, huh? That’s a real beakful. I’ll just call you Agent 8 for short. Well, where do you have to go for those tests? You’d better hop to it, I don’t know how long we’ve been down here. “

As if on cue, a small sea cucumber wriggled out from the car ahead of them, wearing an equally as small conductor’s hat.

“Hello. I am your humble conductor, C.Q. Cumber. It appears as if we have a new passenger. Welcome aboard. Would you like me to explain how to use the CQ card and CQ-80 devices?”

Poppy perked up. How convenient!

“Yes please!”   
C.Q. Cumber slithered toward her and Cap’n, and took both items with a long tendril.

“ Flip open the front cover to access the screen projector, and press the button on the flat side to turn it on.. Use the joystick to navigate through its menus, and click the joystick to select items within menus. This is how you will travel to each station on our route. The CQ card is what you will use as identification to access each test station and board the train. When not in use, it fits snugly in the pocket on the back of the CQ-80.”

Poppy took back the CQ-80 and card, and put them in a pocket.

“Thank you for the explanation!”

C.Q. Cumber retracted the tendril, and stood up on their hind.

“Just doing my duty. Feel free to ask me anything you need to know about traversing the facility. Good luck out there.”

Poppy waved as they turned and returned to the car they came from.

“Well, if that’s our only way out, you’d better get out there, huh?”

Said Cap’n, stretching and tapping his cane.

Poppy looked around the car, and pulled out her CQ-80.

“I guess so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me be like *buzzes thru the normal storytelling cause i wanna write the funny robot/human fluff*


	4. A Thang or Two

Poppy struggled to pull the heavy objects behind her on the cart. When she finally reached the station entrance, she snapped a selfie of her and the two pieces on her CQ-80 before pulling them onto the train. She dragged them to the end of the car, and once again sat down across from Cap’n.

“ Hot diggity, two in one! Great job, Agent 8!”

Poppy smiled triumphantly.

“Yeah, I thought I may as well get as far as I could before coming back. I think these are the things the telephone wants me to collect, so I’m heading back to drop them off.” She opened up her CQ-80, selecting Central Station on the map, and stared off into space.

_I wonder what’s up with that telephone… I don’t think it’s just an AI. There has to be something sentient in him, it acted too real. I guess I can’t really speak for that, though. I haven’t been around many ‘real’ things in my time. I still can’t believe how friendly it was… I’m not used to having anyone be nice to me… I hope I get to actually talk to him soon. I think I’ll try to strike up an actual conversation when I get there, if I can._

“Attention passengers, we are now approaching central station. Prepare to stop.” 

Poppy snapped out of her thoughts, and got up to get the cart with the objects. She pulled them toward the train’s exit, and stepped off into central station. Dragging the load behind her once more, she made her way to the telephone.

She saw the creature start bouncing as she approached.

“Hot patootie! You’re da bomb fo’ rizzle! You’ve only got two more to find, dawg… Keep on keepin on with ya bad self!”

"Will do!" Poppy gave a mock salute, and kneeled down next to the telephone. "So... You come here often?"

_Nice going, idiot. He's bolted to the ground. What kind of question was that?_

" ...I'm the appointed tour guide and bolted to the ground, broski. What kind of question was that?"

Poppy sighed, flushed bright pink. Getting off to a great start.

"Er, nevermind. What's it like down here?"

It hummed a bit, still moving.

" Meh. It can get a bit lonely, but subjects come and go so it's no biggie... Why're ya talkin' to me? Don'tcha wanna grab the thangs and hit the road?"

Leaning against its pole, Poppy slid down a bit, sticking her legs out.

" I've got time. I kinda like it here. "

The phone shot her as much of a look as it could manage.

" But... You wanna blast to the Promised Land, right?"

" Maybe I don't. Maybe I wanna stay here, " Poppy quipped, sitting back up to face it.

* * *

Tartar broke out in metaphorical cold sweat. 

_Oh man. There's never been an incident like this before. She... Doesn't want to go to the Promised Land? She's not falling for it? How else am I gonna trick her into the blender? I better figure this out before she finds the other two parts... Why's she want to stay here anyway? I made the Promised Land sound so good. I'm the master of convincing!_

" I mean, I'm probably jumping the gun a bit here, but I'd consider you a friend. Or at least an acquaintance. I've got someone who's nice to me and a ticket to go wherever I want down here, I think I'm good."

Oh boy. The one thing they'd feared but never prepared for; their fake kindness backfiring and making a test subject get attached to them. He couldn't risk getting attached to any of them, they either get sanitized or get blended. It's much easier if no bonds are formed whatsoever. Damn you, Octavio, why'd you have to go and make your new batch of soldiers so lonely!?

"Well, I mean- Maybe you could bunk here, but it's way nicer up there, ya catch my drift?"

" No sir, not leaving this metro," Poppy chimed, sliding down even further and clinging to their pole for dear life.

It blushed a bit, somehow. Curse you, Tartar! Why must you be so charming and smooth and hip with the youth!

" Erm... Capiche, I guess?"

Well, you know what they say. Keep your friends close and your soon-to-be-brainwashed victims closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dontcha just love that title? im so clever. more thang puns to come... just doing my own thang (ba dum tss). also YES im skipping over every station i dont do action scenes and Cmon Romance Chop Chop! got hit with the sexy writers block a quarter way in so this ones kinda very subpar hjonk


	5. The Part Where They Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The part where they fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the part where they fuck.

Sitting back up, Poppy scooted over to face the telephone. She cupped their hull in her hands, running her hands over it's features. For a machine made of metal, it was surprisingly warm, like a computer tower running Brinecraft with 15 mods and a shader pack. It averted it's 'eyes', squirming a bit.

"Ay, what're ya doing homeslice?"

Poppy smiled, leaning in closer.

"Your technology is very interesting. I haven't seen hardware like this in years."

She poked and prodded carefully at the various buttons, slots, and features on the telephone. It jolted each time, 'eyes' darting back and forth nervously.

"C-c'mon dawg, ya really have better things ya could be doing..." His crank swiveled a few times, and Poppy eyed it. She glanced from crank, to face, to crank, to face. It's expression dropped. "Don't you dare."

She took hold of the crank on his side, and tentatively began turning it.

"Dude, I'm fo rizzle, you don't know what c- _ohsweetjesusthatsgood._ " The telephone began vibrating softly, and a gentle whirring could be heard from inside it. Poppy jerked, pulling her hand away. "N̴͓̎õ̵͔n̴̮͐o̷̘̎n̸͈o̵̮̎k̷̬̊e̶̞͐e̶̺͘p̸͚̔ĝ̵̫ǫ̸̏i̴͗ͅn̸̝̿ǧ̵" It's voice became static-filled and slightly garbled, almost slurred. Poppy returned to turning the crank. The vibration kicked up, and a selection of beeps and chirps joined the ambient chorus of mechanical noise sounding from within them. It wriggled slightly, still twitching and vibrating. "f̸̮̓̋̕ȁ̸̢̔s̵̜̃̂t̸̨͖̮͒ḙ̷̂̋r̸͔̲͋̇,̸̻̐͆ ̸̮̾d̶͔̣̍͠a̸̰͇̯͗̄̔m̷̰̝͎͌̊m̴̺͚̒̇͆i̶̛͍t̴͙̥̪̑." His voice was now nearly incomprehensible, breaking in and out and coated in feedback. She quickened her pace, placing her other hand atop the telephone for support. 

The telephone was now exceedingly loud, ringing and buzzing and whirring, shaking hard. It could no doubt be heard through the entire central station. Poppy continued cranking for dear life, mostly detached from the situation at hand. She'd simply decided not to process what was going on and instead allowed her mind to wander. _This telephone's damn weird. It can feel my touch? And react to being physically interacted with? There's no way that's just a phone. There's gotta be something alive in there. It's so well-built, too, I wonder where it came from. Who built it? How has it held up so well for however long this place has been here? Why does it speak exclusively in dated slang? Does it like me or is it just being courteous? Does it have feelings or is it just a convincing simulation? Why am I so invested in this phone instead of wanting to get out of here, what's wrong with me?_

"À̶̱a̵͇͠â̸̦à̶̰ḣ̵͉ ̴̫̈́s̸̑͜ḥ̴̒i̷͍͛t̷̡̑~̸͚̕.̵̗͊.̷̤̄.̴̦̋ ̴̠̍I̷̼̋'̶̃͜.̷̖̀.̵̲͘.̵͕̂ ̴̣͊K̵̰̄Y̵̛͖Ǎ̸̟A̸̜̚À̶͍À̵̼À̴̼H̴̪̒!̵̥͠" 

_~Owee, owee, adededede owee~_

With that, it stiffened, teal goo sputtering from the slot below it's speaker. They slumped, and the vibration ceased. "Aaa... Haa... Radical."

Poppy stared on, face ablank. The telephone looked away, somehow blushing.

"Er... Yeah. Let's not talk about this. You should get back to the train."

Poppy swallowed hard, flushed bright pink. She turned around and made her way back to the train platform.

_What the hell just happened?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> achievement unlocked: the part where they fuck


	6. Distracted

Poppy slid her CQ card in the gate, and superjumped to the test site. She was still processing what had happened at the central station earlier that day. _Wowza, I just had a sexual encounter with a robot! If only mom could see me now!_ Pulling out her cucumber-issued jet squelcher, she hopped onto the inkrail.

_Okay Poppy, just focus. Now's not the time. Shoot the balloons. Shoot the balloons. Shoot the balloons._

_... I jerked off a telephone. I jerked off a telephone! Am I on crack? I've gotta be on crack! I'm gonna wake up tommorow back in my bunk at octo valley with a wicked headache and a bunch of empty chip bags on the floor and I'll tell this story to my friends and we'll laugh about my weird imagination. I developed a crush on a telephone and jerked it off. My cod._

"You missed a balloon. Test failed"

Dammit. 

The pack of ink strapped to Poppy's back detonated, and she respawned back at the beginning of the stage.

_Okay. Try it again. Focus on the balloons. Just shoot at the balloons and pop them, and hop from rail to rail._

_I still can't believe I'm in love with a straight up telephone. I really managed to find a robot attractive. What's gonna happen when I collect all these parts? I can't just leave it here. I mean, I could, but I'm too devoted at this point. What happened back there... Was that third base? Am- am I in a relationship with it?_

As Poppy stared distractedly into the distance, she failed to notice that the rail had ended, and she promptly fell into the bottomless void below her, respawning once again at the beginning. C.Q. Cumber wiggled out from behind the test gates, and waved a tendril. 

"That's all your lives, and you don't have enough coins to try again. Back to the train."

Poppy sighed, and shuffled after them. 2000 credits out the window, back to central station it is. _I mean, I should probably talk to the phone._

_We've got a lot to sort out._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIIIIIIIVE  
> boy it's been a hot minute! if you aren't sick yet here's some hot tellyphone action to give you brain damage :) im genuinely surprised at how much this took off? tbh it kinda started as a crackfic for my stupid au but once people started like Reading It I decided I'd actually put effort in 🤟 glad to know there's still no shortage of phonefuckers out here. there will deffo be more phone sex (ba dum tsss) later on but ill at least give you a few chapters break this isn't just fanservice ;0 sanitize your hands. and add me on discord @ beanie baby frog#5282


End file.
